The "Up in the Air" Moment

In the movie “Up in the Air”, George Clooney’s characters job is to fly across the country and fire people on behalf of various companies management teams.  Along the way, he has a protégé that tries to tell him it is not normal to detach from people and fire someone without showing any level of emotion. Over time, Clooney’s character also reveals he also prides himself on loving and leaving women heartbroken without second thought.  However, he meets the woman whom he decides he may be able to change the tune of his game for and he thinks he is ready to settle down.  Mr. Clooney’s character has not realized or feels he is immune to karma in other words reaping what you sow.   It turns out the woman he is seeing is married, and sees Clooney as an escape from her family life.  As this blow is delivered to Clooney’s character his demeanor says it all and the “I can’t believe this is happening to me moment has become surreal.”   In my own life, this moment is the “so this is what it feels like moment” and I know it is well deserved based on my preceding actions. Bad things do happen to good people but truthfully often karma is the reason certain unfavorable things are happening to someone.  There is no happy ending in the “Up in the Air”  movie but it is a great way to ponder for a little bit over an hour on how much what you give is what you eventually receive.  Universal law may seem unkind but it is always fair in accessing when it is time for a humbling moment leading to a person's character flaw realization.  The end may leave the person feeling hurt or played in the relationship but the question is, “can this person admit to deserving it?”  Overall, the person should acknowledge living in the midst of a personal version of the “Up in the Air” moment.

The Strengths and Weaknesses Debate

Some of Gnarls Barkley’s song “Smiley Faces” most profound lyrics are, “Was it over night? Or did it take you long? Was knowing your weakness what made you strong?” A friend of mine thinks that knowing your weaknesses in no way makes you stronger. In fact, a discussion between my friend and I sparked the debate of how concentrating on your weaknesses makes you a prime candidate for being less successfully equipped to play the game. Personally, it is my belief that if I know my weaknesses I have two choices, improve in those areas or focus more on my strengths. If you think about competitive sports or business markets, your competitor studies your every move to gain an understanding of your techniques and strategies for achieving successful results. Conversely, your competitor is also checking for the skills you lack so if you are in denial about your weaknesses, it can become more apparent to your adversary over time. This also holds true in your personal life when someone truly gets to know you, your weaknesses become more apparent after the fascination with the surface of which you are fades. During this time, most relationships either strengthen or completely fall apart. Overall, a personal strengths and weaknesses discussion is something worth considering if you are willing to embrace this critical aspect of your character and skills development.

The Practice Lesson

A few years ago, I was a substitute teacher. This particular day I instructed the students on the particular assignment and the expectation for completing it. A student asked, “Why do we need to do this again?” I confidently responded, “because practice makes perfect.” The student responded, “No actually it does not make perfect if you are practicing doing something incorrectly.” My prideful self-thought, “I can’t believe this seventh grader is questioning my authority and more importantly my intelligence.” I slowly began to humble myself as I realized with a slight grimace (with a bruised ego indeed) that the student actually has a very valuable point. Albert Einstein once said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Excellence requires a great level of practice and dedication to achieve. However, if you are not practicing the proper techniques it can lead to an overwhelming level of frustration if you can see no positive and quantifiable results on the horizon. Life is a constant teacher and the sooner you realize that you will forever be its student the more you can grow, learn, and become a better person. Teachers can sometimes be a young person with an experience or insight that defies all sense of logic of what someone should or should not know at a particular age. Many of the young people I have met inspire me with a candor and honesty that reminds me that I do not know everything. Of course, on a few occasions I can say I have shared a few nuggets of wisdom as a mentor to young people that has created some long lasting relationships that over time turns into great friendships. Overall, becoming great at something takes consistent practice and the only thing to truly desire being perfect at is obtaining the skills and resources that are necessary for greatness.

"Know when to fold 'em"

“You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away.”

Kenny Rogers  The Gambler

An old but catchy expression says, “I will ride this (fill in the blank) until the wheels fall off.”  It often applies to a tangible item but it can apply to almost anything in life.  Have you asked yourself the question, “how did I get here but in the back of your mind, you know you ignored a warning sign?”  Well, that warning sign alerts you the wheels are slowly beginning to fall off and sooner rather than later, you should let this particular something go.  I am guilty of riding things until the wheels falls off both literally and figuratively speaking. I think about the job positions I stayed in longer than I should have.  Yes, I had a warning sign called complacency but I waited until I was no longer growing in the position or the bad performance review moment to know it was time to make a move.  On the subject of personal relationships, when the wheels begin to fall off you begin talking at a person instead of to a person.   Unconditional love does not work when two people are not participating in keeping the foundation steady in love’s shaky times.  The wheels also begin to fall off when you are pretending to enjoy something and your demeanor speaks disinterested without you uttering a single word.  This also applies to appliances; you know the item that you keep bootlegging to make it continue to work will eventually break because it is on its last leg.  This becomes unamusing when it finally gives out at a critical moment of need.   I think about my first car I bought and loved driving it dearly.  During my eight years of owning the car the last two years brought me the blues, I started putting more money into it then it was worth.  Finally, the last straw was it continued to overheat and wondering when I woke up in the morning if it would start.  I finally broke down and brought a new car, hated a new car note but loved the fact I did not have to worry if I had adequate transportation to work. The basic question is, “Why wait until the wheels fall off when you know how truly dangerous it can become over time?”  In a time when money is tight and healthy relationships are hard to come by, it is hard to let go of certain things but not completely wise to keep riding things until the wheels fall off.  Kenny Rogers said it best, “You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away.”   Therefore, do you know when to let something go or do you often choose to continue to be the gambler in this uncertain game called life?

Sit With Your Pain

I enjoy listening to Dr. Charles Stanley’s In Touch Ministries television and radio broadcasts.  One broadcast in particular has left a lasting impression on me.  Dr. Stanley spoke about his struggle with forgiving his stepfather and the fact there are many things that he wished he had a chance to say to him.   His stepfather passed away many years ago so the conversation to repair their relationship is no longer an option in a physical form.  Dr. Stanley went on further to describe a method of coping with forgiveness by sitting in a chair and placing another chair beside you imaging the person you struggle to forgive is there.   The conversation should be open and honest and express every bit of anger, unresolved questions or resentment that you may have.  Too many, this may sound strange at first but if you do not let go and express the pain of your past it will haunt your present relationships in many forms of dysfunction.   This extends far beyond the notion of gender-based stereotypes in terms of expressing feelings and emotions because at the end of the day no one can love unconditionally without knowing how to forgive.  The forgiveness extends far beyond other people it also involves forgiving one’s self.  True forgiveness begins with the acknowledgement of the offense and over time releasing the need for a payment of debt in order to embrace forgiveness.  Truthfully, my struggle with forgiveness is my desire for an apology from someone and the reality that it may never arrive.  The additional struggle is the “get over it factor” , the notion that I have moved on from my pain but upon further examination I often discover I have not come to grips with the true depths of my emotions.   Terrie Williams author of Black Pain, says "you have to learn to sit with your pain."   Sitting with your pain involves getting up close and personal with how you really feel about something and the impact it has taken on your emotional stability.  You cannot control what has happened in your past or even what will happen in your future but you can control how you choose to respond to whatever happens in your life.  Dr. Stanley and Miss Williams both have the same basic principle in mind an individual has to spend some time embracing the toll of painful experiences including exploring the taboo subjects of clinical depression and repressed anger.  Overall, I challenge you to sit with your own pain because ignoring it delays open communication as the key to the success of both your personal and professional relationships.

What About Your Friends?

“What about your friends will they stand their ground
Will they let you down yeah, yeah
What about your friends are they gonna be low down
Will they ever be around or will they turn their backs on you”

TLC “What about Your Friends”

The older I get the more tightly I hold the reservation of the term friend.  A friend is someone who does not care how many degrees I have or the status of my personal connections lists.  A friend loves me at my best and at my worst.  A friend is someone I can call when I need a shoulder to cry on or is an open mind of which I can share ideas.  A friend is the person who sees the best in me when I only want to focus on what is wrong about me because I am perfectionist.  In 2005, I decided to leave Seattle and quit my job to move to Houston.  It was a bold move met with both encouragement and the infamous “you have some nerve quitting a good job.”   The nerve argument was because I did not immediately have another job lined up.  In 2006, I interviewed and went to career fairs faithfully however it took an entire year to find a new position.  I can say this is one of my boldest moves. I faced my fears head on and learned some humility lessons I needed to learn in terms of pride.  I also learned I had some friends of mine that were really associates.  The risk taker in me had made some people very uncomfortable.  Making some people uncomfortable turned into unreturned phone calls and e-mails on the no response list.   At the end of 2006, I found my current position and moved to Dallas.   It was a joyous time my prayers had been answered but not without a test of my faith and learning more about who my true friends are.  Currently, I am expanding my dreams in the world of publishing and the performing arts.  Since I was ten years old, I loved the arts even though as an adult I would pursue a degree in engineering. The pursuit of my dreams is now bringing on the comments “a career in the arts is not marketable in this economy.”  However, making this happen and flourish is at the top of my bucket list and no matter what my ambitions, as an artist and writer remain solid despite another person’s doubts.  The truth is nothing is stable not even the engineering job others may think is the most secure. I appreciate all of my truly supportive friends that know how much this dream means to me.  It is not about seeking fame or recognition it is about embracing my passion and gifts that I know are a blessing.  Overall, what about my friends is the fact the number is really smaller for me in times of great adversity and uncomfortable change.

When the Clutch is Gone

In the valleys of your life a message becomes evidently clear, everything that has previously provided peace and comfort to you no longer provides a definitive solution. This place of uncertainly begins to shed light on just how much you have allowed external things to guide you instead of relying on an unshakable faith higher than your own understanding. The truth is, once the clutch is gone, the very thing, person or controlling factors you have built around you disappears no longer making you feel invincible and fail proof. You begin to notice your strong desire to move along the fast lane leads to an unfamiliar staggering pace and the only clear option is embracing humility. You will begin to see your perfect exit plans fall apart and for questions about what is next for you there is no concrete answer. On top of the world, living on cloud nine smiling was effortless, now the depth of your silence screams fear. The fear at first exposes the pain of relinquishing control of your circumstances but eventually it reveals great opportunities for growth and extraordinary change. Finally, a rebirth begins and the person in the mirror experiences a transformation that involves embracing the imperfect side of self-needing spiritual or emotional healing. Overall, when the clutch is gone, it is time to say goodbye to the inflated confidence of knowing everything and the reality that life is often a journey into the unknown.

Less is Really More

Growing up, I always heard my elders say, “Back in my day we only had this much and we still were able to get by.”   I often wondered what this much really meant and if happiness existed with only the so little my elders spoke of.  Well fast forward into my adulthood and I must say material things and positions of power do not bring sustaining happiness to me.  However, I do enjoy some of the finer things in life but none of these things defines who I truly am.  The next best thing after receiving the last best thing is only a temporary high.  The immediate gratification seeking validation outside of self brings leaves me feeling more like that is it then yes I have arrived and made it to the next level of whatever.   It all sounds a little counterproductive to embracing success at first but upon further inspection, it is important to know and love thy naked self in the absence of worldly things and acclaim.  Both of my grandmothers taught me valuable lessons in how to treat people as equal despite status or influence.  My grandmothers knew that sometimes less is more because people do not have the pride of stuff to hide behind to use as an excuse to mistreat people of perceived lesser means.   I have my own version of a back in day moment and it simply is about how in college with less money my friends and I seem to have had more fun.   Pondering on this further I realize in the then fun is finding a creative way to do more with less.  The enjoyment of being innovative always sparked a genuine curiosity within each of us.  Every day I seek to reconnect with that curiosity by leaving my comfort zone and finding creative ways to stretch myself beyond what the limiting side of my mind may initially perceive as less.  Overall, often less is really more but one has to let go of any preprogrammed thinking that seeks to validate only a limiting version of what a current or future state of reality can be.

  

What does your character speak?

“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”

John Wooden

While growing up, I remember my mother always saying, “when it comes to the good and bad things a person will do, I don’t put anything pass anybody.” Mom still professes this sentiment and I now understand a little bit better, what she means. You cannot simply judge someone by a public persona because if you are around a person long enough the true nature and character of that person will prevail. In addition, life is a character test and based on the situation or circumstance how someone reacts is subject to change. I was born and raised in the south where southern hospitality and charm has certainly always been strong selling points for living in the region. However, as I grown older I recognize some things can be both a gift and curse. The “gift of gab” and persuasion power also known as charm can simply be a conversation piece and not necessarily a strong indication of the true character of a person. This is not to imply that all charismatic people are misleading but always be mindful of placing someone on an unrealistic pedestal of perfection in character and intent. Character authenticity often becomes a thought provoking question when the words spoken by someone do not match the actions that follow. The bible speaks of the fruits of the spirit, which includes: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. On any given day, I can honestly say I do not always exhibit all of these fruits of the spirit. However, I can say I am making a conscious effort daily to display evidence of the fruits of the spirit in my character without any self-proclamations. I am a work in progress and I accept everyone that I meet will never be perfect is terms of being fruitful in spirit without a glitch. However, one thing is certain a person’s character speaks both loudly and silently if I am willing to look beyond a glamorous surface. Overall, as John Wooden once said, “be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”

What is Talent without Humility?

The manifestation of one’s dreams and heart-filled passions into reality is indeed a feeling like no other. Imagine sitting inside an office cubicle waiting for a major breakthrough in a successful entrepreneurship, intellectual prowess, the performing arts or any other endeavor that keeps you whole-heartedly elated. One day all of your dreams become true and your talent places you in the right place at the right time to make extraordinary things happen. However, there is a slightly hidden and misleading adversary to your talent and its name is ego-tripping. Yes, ego-tripping can make or break a career and the perception of how well you can work with others is not something to be taken lightly.

I remember after being an engineer for five years I embarked on a journey into the manufacturing side of the field. I was excited to try something different and eagerly ready to put my skills to the test. Engineering school certainly does a great job of teaching theory but the reality of how products and services really work is an entirely different experience. I walk into a manufacturing environment thinking I could greatly improve things and let the operators who built our products know how to do so. A huge mistake as the rude awakening unfolds I hear the following several times, “Excuse me who the hell are you and what makes you think you know what you are talking about?” My initial reaction with raised eyebrows was, “Did you just curse me and umm who are you talking to? I am just trying to help you.” It was an enormous struggle to gain the operators respect because not only was I trying to prove myself as an engineer but the operators also thought I was too young and inexperienced to know anything. The lesson I learned from this job is creating an environment of inclusion where everyone’s opinion matters in the decision-making are imperative to a projects success.

The point of the engineering analogy above is to let you know no matter what field you are in always remain teachable. Past successes do not automatically equate to future success. In addition, your talent alone cannot take you to the next level of your personal growth without a strong sense of humility. It is important not to devalue the people who are around you who can share some words of wisdom with you to make you a better person and more successful. Overall, always remember you can never master any art until you study and observe others who have already been successful in the game.

Exercise Caution While Using Labels

A little box sits on a shelf inside of a convenience store. Its covering is pristine packaging that many find normal and expected for a box of its sort. However, some things will never fit inside of this box leaving many people perplexed and feeling a bit of discomfort. The box is a metaphoric place in human nature that likes to place a person comfortably inside of it to upkeep the predetermined norm. However, in every environment there are rebels who not only live outside of the box but also constantly challenge conventional thinking. In an ideal world, these people would be an example of being extraordinarily different and accepted but the reality is these individuals are often the object of a bullies torment. Bullying has certainly taken a turn for the worse in recent years. The war of words has damaged the self-esteem of many and unfortunately, in several cases for some the only way to escape it all is suicide. Words can turn into unfavorable labels that some people simply cannot wash away and act as if it is not offensive. Overall, the unfavorable impact words can have on a person’s psyche should alert someone to exercise caution while using labels to describe someone else.

Labels can hurt and if you think about some of these commonly used every day it is very belittling with an alarming impact on someone’s self-esteem. The following are labels used to describe people that have a lasting impact for some a moment in time and others several years to an entire lifetime:

Too Fat

Too Thin

Too Weird

Too Gay

Too Emotionally Scarred

Too Much of a Sinner and Not Christian Acting Enough

Too Fair or Dark in Complexion

Too Quiet

Too Different

Too Outspoken

Too Antisocial

Too Plain

Too Nerdy

The labels above can be quite offending and sometimes a person’s erratic behavior is acting out of defiance to an unfavorable label that is troubling the person deeply inside. Someone once told me, “Hurt people hurt people.” If you think about it, most bullies are probably batting some deeply rooted issues as well. At the end of the day, the only label that really matters is “Child of God.” Overall, exercising caution while using labels is exhibiting unconditional love by “loving thy neighbor as they self.”

For resources on combating bullying or suicide prevention, please contact:

http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/


http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

The Dangers of Loneliness

“Loneliness the clearest of crystal insight into your own soul, it’s the fear of one's own self that haunts the lonely. “
Keith Haynie

For the past several months, the subject of “The Dangers of Loneliness” and how it affects one’s decision-making has lingered in my thoughts. Human nature can be very judgmental of character and the question of why and how could someone do something is easy to say as an outsider looking in. Reality TV has become the norm and is supposed to be an unscripted portrayal of someone’s life. However, the bad aspects of a person’s character have become something to be glorified for shock value and entertainment. Right, wrong or indifferent the choice a person makes has a lot more to do with being comfortable with being alone with both the flattering and unflattering versions of self. In addition, whether or not doing something out of a complete sense of loneliness outweighs what doing something because of its consequences brings. A friend of mine once told me, “I drink alcohol excessively to escape reality.” I am not here to judge this person but to deepen an awareness of just how much escaping feelings of being alone is the underlying reason behind a vice that has become obsessive. A little bit closer to home, why did I become involved in something and with someone despite the obvious warning signs alerting me it was not a good idea. I should have avoided many unhealthy lifestyle choices. The results have been a series of heartbreaks, regrets, disappointments and self-inventory checks starting with “I knew better but I did it anyway.” Did I only do those things of out of feelings of loneliness or are there other deeply rooted issues unresolved at the surface? The verdict is still out and varies based on the situation but the truth is feelings of loneliness visits every person at some point. Overall, I challenge you to take an introspective look at yourself and the people you judge to consider the dangers of loneliness and the impact it has had on your decisions and the decisions of those around you.